Giving All I Have

*Prologue- Welcome to my first blog! I’ll be honest, some of my blogs will have venting, but I also intend on sharing my walk with God during this mess that is called “life”. I hope you gain something from my shared experiences, whether it be what to do or what not to do. Enjoy!*

This is it… There’s only one way to go from here, and that is up. (I really hope I’m right about that!) Because I can’t, I WON’T, sit idle anymore. I am so tired of feeling stuck. So I’ve decided to do something about this rut I’m in. I decided that the only thing left to do that I have not already tried is to share my trials and errors 100% honestly for others to learn from. This blog will be unapologetically me. I felt an urge to finally speak outwardly and openly about my struggles, successes, and faith. I want to share wisdom, exchange advice with you, as well as be a shoulder to lean on. I decided, doing a blog was the best way to go about it.

Making a blog or YouTube channel (and sticking to it) is something I’ve fought doing for a long time. I usually forget to consistently update blogs and feel as though I don’t have enough content to write about. With YouTube I always create the channel but videos never get uploaded because I’m too self-conscious and stress over negative comments that have yet to be. What’s different this time, you ask? There is only one way to go from here. There is only one thing left I can do in my specific situation, and this is it. If not to spread wisdom, then at the very least to vent and try to understand what God is trying to get me to do!

I’ve got no working vehicle to use currently, I cannot seem to find a legitimate job (especially in the field I am going to school for), and after over three years of trying to conceive a child, I have been unsuccessful. The other day I recognized this all at once, along with being one more missed mortgage payment away from foreclosure, days away from having both the electricity and water shut off due to late payments, and unable to pay for my husband’s CT chest scan that, even with insurance, will cost $450 up front.

I want to help. I want to be able to contribute so that the financial pressures are not all on my husband. I would love for us to just be able to live more comfortably and pay off our debts completely, but I can’t seem to get a proper job. (I have a nanny job but it doesn’t hardly pay gas money because it is for a friend who is a single mom. I could ask for more money but I know how expensive it is to raise a child and I feel too guilty begging for more.)

I want to go to school. I’d love to finish my social work degree, but I didn’t register for classes this Spring 2018 semester because money was already tight and we were told by my husband’s boss that we would be transferring from Dallas to Austin. I thought it would be a waste of what little money we had at that time to register for that semester, only to move during the middle of it all and not be able to finish it. However, my husband’s boss later told us they would be postponing the move until the Summer. It was then too late to register for Spring, and it is still too early to register for Summer classes.

I want to be a mother. I have always worked with children and taken care of children. In fact it’s as though I’ve taken care of everyone else’s children but my own. We have been unable to get pregnant and we don’t have the funds for infertility treatment. We both wanted to adopt along with having biological kids, but it is very expensive too. Even so, we probably should not have children we cannot accurately afford.

All of this complaining is only to point out that I have a lot to figure out. In my early twenties, I tried living my way. I didn’t spend much time talking to God or asking for guidance, much less thanking him. After years of that not working out, I finally realized just how much I left Him out of the equation and that certainly wasn’t helping me!

Currently, I read scripture and listen to praise and worship music daily. I am a member of a great church filled with people who care for me. And yet, I feel as though I cannot hear God’s instructions. It often feels like I am open, ready and waiting to hear what he has to stay but nothing ever comes. “What am I supposed to be doing, God!?” I exclaim. “I don’t understand! Are you waiting on me to do something? I’ve tried taking action in  furthering myself and this situation but nothing ever comes of it!” I get frustrated. I don’t want to be mad at God, but it feels like he is just leaving me to figure out everything on my own and I can’t understand why. The God I know would not leave me to do life alone or keep silent when I’m crying to him for help. This leads me to believe there is an error on my part, not God’s. I just cannot seem to figure out what God is trying to tell me, get me to do, understand, etc. I will continue to seek Him. I will not stop until I know I have an answer from Him. Why? Because I know He is the creator of all things, including my life plans (regardless of what I think they will be or want them to be). Because I know He still loves me enough to guide me. And because I believe fully seeking God will show him my commitment. I want to please the Lord, so I will pray, read scripture, and talk to trusted church members.

Won’t you join me? What ever issue you have, any issue that you have been trying tirelessly to iron out, pray deeply to God. Even if you don’t hear His response right away, continue to seek Him. Continue to please Him. Continue being faithful. Read God’s word and trust Him when it comes time to leap, for His word is a lamp for our feet and a light on our path!

Psalm119

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