Here we are again

Six months ago, I was lost. I had no 9-5 job, didn’t know what to do with my life, and finally having a child was so far out of reach. Unexpectedly, I got a job through an acquaintance at church. It was extremely fast paced and caused high stress. There were some days I thought walking out might be best. But considering our financial struggles, I decided to bite the bullet. I promised myself I would not leave. I refused to let the stress and emotions dictate that. And I stuck it out. I survived the chaos.

Four days ago, I was completely shocked to find myself laid off. The slow season was upon us, but considering the girl I worked closely with will be having a baby soon, I thought I’d at least be there until her maternity leave was over. “It’s very slow right now and we just can’t afford to keep everybody…” and “You have great personal,people, and  phone skills, but we need someone with the ability to multitask at a fast pace.”, I was told. This multitasking thing has come up in my past at a previous job before. I was given another chance to beat this lack of fast multitasking and I feel like I tried my best to overcome it. But at the end of the day,…my best wasn’t good enough for them. I’m left completely and utterly crushed.

I thought things were going pretty well. I had survived the bumps in the road and I actually thought they were pretty pleased with me as of late. A few short weeks ago I even had a customer ask to speak with my supervisor because they wanted to tell them “what a fantastic job” I did helping them. I constantly had customers thanking me for spending the time to help them, getting back with them so fast, and following up to make sure everything panned out. I don’t understand why this didn’t help me keep my job at all. It was minute;  insignificant.

So here I am again….

Job less, career less, degree less, childless, almost 30 year old. Everything I imagined I’d have by now, I do not have at all and it is nowhere in sight. I don’t understand why God keeps putting me here. Feeling a substantial amount of confusion, depression, and complete lack of self worth. I feel like I trusted Him and that blew up in my face more than once now. I don’t get it. What’s the point in making me feel this way?

I’m back to where I started. So confused. So lost. So stagnant. One step forward, ten steps back. Practically ceasing to exist.


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