a bad place to be in

It is so angering and upsetting to me that I can’t call up my previous boss (and the women who hated me) and let him know how bad things are in my life currently; now that I don’t have a job because they thought I wasn’t good enough. I want them to know that pain I’m in. The struggle me and my husband are going through because of this. I want them to know the fact that things in my life were finally panning out and they threw a huge wrench in it all. The wrench hit me straight in the face leaving a scar, that’s for sure. It has caused several set backs mentally, financially, etc. The credit score my husband worked so hard to get up is now ruined. We can’t afford our rent now. We can especially forget the plans to get a new house or start the adoption process. Which angers me even more because a child out there was getting closer to having a family (with us) and now that’s not going to happen and there they will sit in foster care.

I was hoping to have a positive post and give an update about us moving to Austin. But that won’t be for a few more months before that can happen. You see, completely out of the blue two weeks ago my husband’s boss called and saying they will be moving people around and giving new positions. They offered him a promotion and raise and said they will be supporting the relocation. We happily obliged! I thought some of our prayers were answered. Not exactly the case; now, the issue is that the person currently covering Austin will be moving to North Carolina first so we have to wait on him to get settled there. Then they will need to hire the person that will take my husbands place and he will have to train said person and move here. Then after that we can finally start looking to move to Austin but who knows how long all of this could take!? They told us by the first of the year but I don’t see that happening. Even then, that means I’m put in an awkward spot because it seems like a bad idea to try and get a good paying job just to have to leave before the first 90 days is even up. At the same time we can’t afford to suffer longer by me not being able to help with expenses.

Me and my husband (thankfully) rarely get into serious arguments. But all of this is just breaking us down piece by piece. The last years of my life have been, “Jump but don’t jump yet!”, or “Jump to the left! Just kidding, jump to the right. Twice. Oh no, you did it all wrong just forget it.” My life also has the essence of, “Jack of all trades but master of none”. I can’t seem to win at anything. I’m doing all of these things and getting nowhere.

All of this just brings me right back to the whole point of this blog: trust God. I thought I was!? But every time I do, something else crappy happens. What am I doing wrong? I’m so lost. I used to say God never hates people, only their choices. But considering I thought I made the right choice by staying at that hectic job, sticking it out even after it hurt my health and giving my absolute best, I’m thinking of retracting that statement.

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